I’ll be real honest. It’s been a few years since I’ve been seriously in the dating pool. The Sir and I are open, but for us, that means that we have secondary partners who we do the sexytimes with, but who we aren’t romantically attached to. This system respects the Sir’s natural monogamy while allowing us to have other people to experiment with or satisfy unique needs/desires. (The Sir is all kinds of fuzzy wonderfulness, but he is not a woman that I can spank.)
That said, I have distinct memories of trying to get a guy’s attention, and still fall prey to this nonsensical behavior pattern from time to time. If there is someone I like, I moon around them for weeks, hinting, flirting, hanging on their every word. I go through ridiculous preening routines if I think a guy I like is going to see me.
“But, Pixie,” you say, “why don’t you just tell the guy you like him instead of going to idiotic hinting rituals?”
Ah, reader, if only I had that wisdom. But here is the point; women are told that they absolutely must do this weird song-and-dance, that being up front and honest is terriblebadthing, and “good” girls trick men into making the first move. This is the One Twue Way to have a good relationship.
Sometimes I think the more we repeat stupid things, the more we make those stupid things become true.
Now, last I checked, enjoying sex was actually an evolutionary advantage. That dopamine release during orgasm encouraged our ancestors to have more sex, thus increasing their procreative ability. In today’s overcrowded Earth, we don’t really need to make more people, but the dopamine release acts as the single best natural mood enhancer, not to mention sex is the only form of exercise that’s actually enjoyable. No, Crossfit people, shush it. I don’t believe you. No one can possibly actually enjoy being covered in sweat and wheezing like a broken squeak toy.
And yet we have this script that says women have to be reluctant to have sex. That women have to make a man “work for it” or else he’ll “think you’re ‘easy’” (where “easy” = “enjoys having sex,” because fuck evolution). That women have to be pursued, cajoled, or pressured into “giving it up.”
Beyond the obvious problems of consent in that system, I can say from personal experience that being forced to play that role sucks. Ass.
I like sex. I want to have sex. But nooooooo, I have to be a “gatekeeper.” Sex is supposed to be traded for emotional support or financial stability. Sex is the currency of relationships, and I am the banker.
And only a bad banker would dip into the funds.
In order to be the gatekeeper, to control the flow of her half of the exchange, a woman has to be able to deny her own desires, her own natural sex drives just in order to be “respectable.” She has to be able to say “yes” or “no” entirely based on her partner’s behavior, not on how horny she is at the moment. Is it any wonder, then, that women don’t masturbate or enjoy sex as much as men? In this asinine script, sex is something to be given to a man, not something to be enjoyed by both parties.
Fuck. That. Shit.
I deserve to be healthy. I deserve a healthy sex life. I deserve relationships where healthy sex is a given, not a bonus in the case of a man who happens to be talented. Ladies, if you’re worried that a certain guy will think less of you because you’re not some sexless alien, fuck the wanker and find someone who actually prefers dating humans.
Treating sex as currency fucks up relationships and fucks over women. This rant is the first of a series about different stages of relationships that get fucked over by this absolutely fucking ridiculous script that we’ve fucking allowed to stay in our fucking culture and makes me fucking furious. So stay fucking tuned.
Fuck!
I need tea.
